October 16, 2008

SWAMPOODLE REPORT: A LETTER TO PLUMBER JOE

Dear Joe:

I am Charles R. Chortlelywell, chief accountant of Flush Plumbers United - or Change Man Charlie as I'm known around the office.

We are a national organization dedicated to the interests of plumbers earning more than a quarter million dollars a year. As you know, the salary of your average Joe in the industry is approximately $37,500, so you are clearly someone special.

We would like to learn more about you in order to help you, even if Barack Obama won't. So would you mind answering a few questions:

Does this company you are planning actually make $250-280 thousand a year in profits or is that just its total revenue? If the latter then you don't have to worry about Obama's tax bill at all. If it's the former, then your additional taxes each year will range between zero and $900. Since you'll be making five to seven times as much as your average Joe in the trade you can probably handle it.

On the other hand, perhaps not. A Toledo Blade story about you notes that "In December, 2007, the Ohio Department of Taxation placed a lien against him because $1,183 in personal property taxes had not been paid, but there has been no action in the case since it was filed." Is part of your concern that since you already owe so much to the socialist state of Ohio and don't want to compound the problem? If so, perhaps you shouldn't be going around buying businesses at all.

Since court records from your divorce also show you only made $40,000 in 2006, where are you going to get the money for this deal? Let's say you buy it for a million bucks or so. I just checked and found where you could get such a loan, but it would cost you over $60,000 a year in interest alone and you'd have to pay it off in seven years. I suggest you worry about that more than Obama's tax increase.

How many new employees do you plan to hire? If you just hire one you'll get a $3000 tax credit and that dangerous fellow Obama will actually end up adding $2100-3000 to your profits.

Where are the headquarters of the company you currently work for and would like to buy? The Toledo Blade couldn't come up with a good answer to this question: "Mr. Wurzelbacher told reporters that he worked for Newell Plumbing & Heating Co., a small local firm whose business addresses flow back to several residential homes, including one on Talmadge Road in Ottawa Hills"

When do you actually plan to get a plumbers' license? It would help to add validity to your nickname. I was a bit bothered by the part of the Blade story that read: "According to Lucas County Building Inspection records, A. W. Newell Corp. does maintain a state plumbing license, and one with the City of Toledo, but would not be allowed to work in Lucas County outside of Toledo without a county license. Mr. Wurzelbacher said he works under Al Newell's license, but according to Ohio building regulations, he must maintain his own license to do plumbing work. He is also not registered to operate as a plumber in Ohio, which means he's not a plumber. Mr. Wurzelbacher said he was hired by Mr. Newell six years ago and that the possibility of him eventually buying the company was discussed during his job interview. He said it's his understanding he can work under Mr. Newell's license as long as the licensed contractor works on the same site. Mr. Wurzelbacher said he is working on taking the Ohio plumbing contractors' license test."

If we are to invite you to join our board we might also need some help in answering issues such as raised by Tom Joseph, business manager for Local 50 of the United Association of Plumbers, Steamfitters, and Service Mechanics, who says you didn't undergo any apprenticeship training.
Reported the Blade: "'When you have guys going out there with no training whatsoever, it's a little disreputable to start with,' Mr. Joseph said. 'We're the real Joe the Plumber.' Mr. Joseph said Mr. Wulzerbacher could only legally work in the townships, but not in any municipality in Lucas County or elsewhere in the country. 'This individual has got no schooling, no licenses, he's never been to a training program, union or non-union, in the United States of America,' Mr. Joseph said."

While I realize Plumber Joseph may merely be feeling bitter being upstaged by Plumber Joe, as we say in the trade about faucets, this one needs a better spin on it.

Thanks for help. Your attention to this matter - as well as to the fact that the candidate whom you support has eight homes, 13 cars and wears $500 loafers - will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely yours,

Charles R. Chortlelywell

4 Comments:

At October 16, 2008 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

October 16, 2008

(Or Maybe I'll Vote for McCain)
Why I'm Voting for Obama
By DOUGLAS VALENTINE

Reason 1. First and foremost, I'm so sick and tired of the degenerate line of white male losers we've endured since Nixon slithered into the hen house. Followed by unelected, unelectable Ford, hapless Jimmy Carter, the Gipper (scourge of welfare mothers), inbred Bush I, devoid of soul, and his idiot son Bush II, separated by Clinton the despoiler.

True, Obama lacks JFK's spark and eloquence, and he doesn't fool me for a second. He's a corporate shill. But he looks different enough to represent change. And if ever this anemic body politic needed an injection of some small strain of unpasteurized blood in its hemophiliac veins, it is now. We're bleeding to death from paper cuts!

Reason 2. Because the racists hate him so much. The Fox News racists. The trembling white women afraid of being raped by gang-banger racists. The Ed Bradley "I'm not a racist" racists. The Jewish Catholic WASP racists. The semi, demi and (most of all) Secret Service Navy SEAL Humvee racists. Throw in the Joint Chiefs of Police, Wall Street, and Joe six-pack racists.

I want to see them seethe and squirm, like disparaging John McCain did in debates one and two, when he couldn't even look at Obama and called him "That one." I want Obama to appoint O J Simpson as his chief of staff, 50-Cent as his press secretary, Bill Ayers as director of the FBI, and fat baggy-panted rappers to all cabinet and ambassadorial posts.

The racists have sold our collective soul to the devil and only Obama is dark enough to provide the contrast we need to survive our chronic fatal terminal paleness.

Reason 3. Michelle. She's Jackie without the pill box hat and broom stick rammed up her ass. She's elegant and smart, loose and muscular. Wrap your arms around America, Michele. Hold us together and keep us warm.

I should add, I don't really care if McCain wins, just as long as he dies before January 20, 2009 and Homespun Sarah Palin ascends. And not because she and Todd use H R Block, which fucked up my father's taxes back in 1988 and cost him thousands of dollars in penalty fees he couldn't afford.

Crazy Sarah would be some kind of change too. She is the mirror image of our mediocrity, peasant smart but unwise in the matters of class struggle, and everything else that matters. With Her as president all the wobbling moral, financial, and military props will collapse like the World Trade Towers on 9/11. She is the Big Car, Big Gun, Big Mouth mother of the end of the line.

Come to think of it, maybe I'll vote for McCain.....

Douglas Valentine is the author of four books which are available at his websites http://www.members.authorsguild.net/valentine/ and http://www.douglasvalentine.com/index.html His fifth book, The Strength of the Pack: The Politics, Personalities and Espionage Intrigues That Shaped The DEA, will be published in September 2009

 
At October 17, 2008 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Joe the Plumber" is reminding me of "Harry Tuttle" in the dystopian black comedy film "Brazil" directed by former Monty Python member Terry Gilliam. Suppose you could call it "Monty Python does 1984." Robert De Niro plays Harry Tuttle.

The film satirizes a bureaucratic, largely dysfunctional, industrial future world.

Harry Tuttle (Joe the Plumber) is the renegade (motivated & unlicensed?) heating engineer who had a gift at quickly solving customer's technical problems without worrying about burdensome government paperwork such as "Form 27B-Stroke-6.27B" or a state license for toilet installation. Would this be a literal or figurative crock that you need a license to install a toilet?

Ironic that Obama & Co are making it too easy to draw parallels between the Obama Campaign and the bureaucratic nightmare of the film "Brazil"

 
At October 17, 2008 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That poor idiot -- walked right into a buzz saw. Whatever else his faults are, I don't think he deserved to have his life turned upside down for a one-off comment, no matter how untruthful.

 
At October 18, 2008 4:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The MSM & the Obama-droids are making fools of themselves. Joe _IS_ what he claims to be

"The Ohio Construction Industry Licensing Board (O.C.I.L.B.), Department of Commerce, Division of Industrial Compliance, issues state commercial licenses to the following contractors: electrical, HVAC, hydronics, plumbing, and refrigeration. To receive a state license, an applicant must meet the following requirements: [snip][snip][snip] 3) either have been a tradesperson in the type of licensed trade for which the application is filed for not less than five years immediately prior to the date the application is filed, currently be a registered engineer in this state with three years of business experience in the construction industry in the trade for which the engineer is applying to take the examination, or have other experience acceptable to the appropriate section of the board; 4) not have been convicted of or plead guilty to a misdemeanor involving moral turpitude or of any felony; [snip][snip][snip]

Joe the Plumber's Employer is licensed, and Joe the Plumber is just short of his five years before he can apply for licensure, but as supervised by his employer

 

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